|
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||
| (Sam cracks his fingers and starts playing "I Will Survive". Shades narrows his eyes as that's not the song he meant but doesn't say anything.) Shades: (to Chaos) Here's lookin' at you, kid. (Tries to do that chucking thing, but misjudges the distance and force. He ends up knocking Chaos backward off the chair. She gets up, pops her jaw back into place, and glares at him.) Chaos: That's it, you bloody pontificating wretch… (A full-blown bar fight ensues. From outside, Boots listens to the screams and shattering glass. She watches as a body comes flying out a window and bounces on the sidewalk.) Boots: (sarcastic) Well, I do not think anyone saw *that* coming. *** Brad: You do know that movie was made before the fifties, right? Ally: Are you going to argue or enjoy it? Brad: Whatever. Let us get back to the episode, okay? Ally: Is it possible for us to stop talking in questions? Brad: Is it? *** (Switch back to episode) (New York, in a small recording room. A jewelry-bedecked and obviously bored woman sits at a desk by a microphone. In front of her is a deck of strange-looking oversized cards.) Miss Cleo: So, honey, let me get dis straight. Your boyfriend goes missin' on weekends, comes back wit' a suitcase full a women's clothin', and he's been singin' songs from de Rocky 'orror Picture Show. You've caught him wearin' your makeup too. Woman on telephone: That's right. Cleo: (Not looking at cards) The eight of cups, the knight of swords, and a bunch of others say to me dat he's a transvestite, sweetie. Woman: Oh my gawsh! Are you sure? Cleo: Positive. Woman: But…(Miss Cleo hits the cutoff switch. She puts in a tape marked "He's Cheating On You" and sets it on a loop. She then exits the studio with her tarot deck.) Next woman on phone: Hi, I have a problem with my husband and he- Tape: The cards tell me dat he's seein someone else. Woman: Wow! You are absolutely right! Thanks, Miss Cleo! Next caller: Miss Cleo, my dog just died and I think I heard a message from beyond- Tape: The four of wands says that he's cheatin' on you, hon. Caller: What? Look, this is about my dog… Tape: The Empress, she's upside-down, dearie, and dat usually means he's not bein' faithful. Caller: Are you even listening to me? (Miss Cleo is outside pouring herself a glass of sherry when the SCI barges in.) Cleo: (without Jamaican accent) Who in blazes are you? Boots: Hey, you're not from Kingston! Cleo: Sure I am. Kingston, Ontario. What do you people want? (Looks at Boots) Hey, don't I know you? Boots: Uh…no? Cleo: I never forget a voice. You have called before. * (Flashback to several months ago. Miss Cleo is being taped in the live audience studio; she has done up in full colourful psychic regalia. She is staring in confusion at her tarot deck.) Miss Cleo: I am sorry, honey, but somethin' very strange is goin' on here. The cards ain't talkin' straight with me tonight. Caller, who sounds a lot like Boots trying to disguise her voice: What? But you said the cards never lie! Cleo: Yeah, but they might fudge de truth a little. It can't be workin' properly. Accordin' to the last thirty-seven cards I've drawn, you were involved in some kinda relationship wit' a slimy green monster thing. And you're dead, too. Sorry, sweetie…I musta made a mistake. Caller: (nervous coughing) Yeah…you, ah, made a mistake. Boy howdy, did you ever make a mistake. 'Cause I cannot think of anything, further from the truth. That's not anything like me, not one bit…um…(hangs up quickly) * (Miss Cleo and Boots are watching each other suspiciously. Chaos clears her throat.) Chaos: I hate to interrupt the dramatic tension, but could you ID this? (Hands Cleo the glass) (Miss Cleo puts her hands on the bloodstain and closes her eyes, going into a trance) Cleo: I sense…hate…bitter hatred…a terrible smugness…and… (screams in pain)…IRRITATION!! Too…annoying…can't maintain link…must answer in the form of a question! (The psychic passes out. The SCI looks at her for a few minutes, then gently moves her face out of the sherry.) Shades: (to Chaos) Do you think… Chaos: No, it can't be… Shades: But what if it is? Boots: Al Gore? (Shades and Chaos glare at her) Shades: No, you idiot. Chaos: There's only one person… Shades & Chaos: ALEX TREBEK! (Cue dramatic music) * (Inside Gates' Pakistan complex) Gates: Trebek, my loyal doormat, soon we will rule the world! By we I mean me, but you will be in my thoughts. Trebek: Really? Gates: No. Nevertheless, I am sure I'll watch Jeopardy at some point and remember. Trebek: Gee…thanks. Gates: Do I detect sarcasm? Trebek: Heck no. Why would you detect a thing like that, (makes quotation marks with fingers) "O Mighty Ruler"? Gates: Good. Trebek: (under breath) Idiot. Gates: Anyhow, I was gloating. This Spider will make me more influential and powerful than any man alive! More powerful than even the president of America! Trebek: More powerful than Bush. Now there is an achievement. Gates: Silence! I am the MIGHTY GATES, RULER OF- (The glass roof shatters as Shades, Chaos and Boots drop to the floor. It is a cool visual effect.) Gates: You? Again? Shades: Your greedy uber-capitalist days are over, Gates! Chaos: Relinquish the arachnid or suffer the consequences, doer of unspeakable and sacrilegious deeds! Gates: How did you get here so quickly! I'M ON THE OTHER FRIGGIN' SIDE OF THE WORLD!!! Chaos: It is not really the other side. Boots: (Sotto voice, to Shades) How *did* we get from New York to Pakistan in ten minutes? Shades: Never mind. It's magic. Boots: Ohhhh. Gates: Look, I appreciate the gesture, but there really isn't any way you can win this time. I mean seriously. (Gates snaps his fingers. The room fills with heavily armed guards. Literally, fills. They're packed nose-to-tail and it's a big room.) Gates: Odds are one of them is bound to hit you. Give up now. Shades: Oh yeah? Take a look at *this*, Gates! (He holds up three small pieces of paper.) Gates: What are those? Chaos: They are ticket stubs to "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", sucker! Trebek: Uh oh. (An awe-inspiring fight scene ensues. I would go into more detail, but I still have not seen that movie yet. It is a great fight though and all the bad guys get their asses kicked. The usual.) Chaos: Hey, where'd Gates go? Shades: Aw man, we lost him again! This is getting to be tedious. Chaos: Wait a few weeks…he will turn up like a bad penny. Shades: You are right…look, Trebek is still here! (They beat the snot out of Trebek until he tells them where the Gingoti Spider is.) Shades: You cannot be serious. Trebek: I'm telling the truth, I swear! Chaos: So…you broke into the most advanced and secure building in Asia, but dropped the greatest super weapon known to man on your way out? Trebek: I looked for it for hours, but it was gone. Almost as though it had a mind of its own. (Dramatic music.) Shades: If you dropped the spider…what does Gates have? Trebek: Umm… * (Cut to Gates in another secret World Domination base. He is staring intently at a tiny black spider crawling in the corner.) Gates: Tell me, my dear…When will I become Supreme Overlord? (The spider begins spinning a web. We see that "SOME PIG" is being slowly spelled out.) Gates: No! Supreme Overlord, I tell you! (The spider spins another web. The word "TERIFFIC" is hidden in the strands of silk.) Gates: AAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHH! ROLL CREDITS Main Page http://www.shadychaos.homestead.com |
 Sign Guestbook |
 View Guestbook |
 shady_chaos@hotmail.com |
|
. |
| Visitors: 00307 |