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| Episode 2.01 "Private Eye" or "SCI Goes Multicultural" ?Hey it works?the system's booting up? Brad: Hey Ally! It's working the old Mac is working! Ally: That's amazing; that thing must be at least 50 years old. Brad: Actually it was made in 1998? Ally: Well, you know with technology these days; if it's more than a month old it's crap! Brad: Well what should we do? We've got to clean up this mess. I mean, this Agrium building is completely destroyed? Ally: Well, we could play old reruns? Brad: I can't access any of them?wait a minute?what's this? (Clicks on and icon titled sci50s.doc) Ally: Hey! Remember, that's the mobster episode we were saving for later that has no relevance to our story line what so ever! Brad: All right, well, let's see what this old Mac can do. He right clicks on the button and presses open? *** Shades (in the old private eye narration style): It had been a boring day. All I had done so far was paperwork and played darts with a picture of my boss's head. I then quickly remembered I didn't have a boss and that I was throwing the darts at my own picture. I scrambled to retrieve the darts when my partner walked in looking fairly depressed. Chaos: Shades, what the hell are we doing? Shades: I looked at her for a moment in confusion of what she meant?I looked down at the darts and realized what my answer was?"Uhh yeah I was just uh practicing my dart skills for the?uhhh?competition?this weekend." Chaos: No, you dolt, what are we doing in this dead-end job?! Shades: She seemed very angered by my lack of intelligence but I thought I'd use my smooth tactics to get out of this one. "Oh quit complaining?" I realized by the look on her face my charm wasn't going to work this time. And as she charged me with a Louisville slugger I thought of only one thing. To duck? Chaos: As I charged him with the baseball bat I saw a young woman walk into our office. She looked around with her innocent eyes, but I could tell right away that this kid was not so innocent? Boots: Ummm, is this the SCI investigation agency? Shades: I pondered my answer for a second then I thought of something that would knock this young vixen off her feet. "No it's a retirement home! What do you think lady can't you read the sign?" It seemed to puzzle her for a moment put then she looked at the back of the brown coloured door and she nodded her head to say she understood. Boots: I could tell this was one hell of an oddball operation they had running here but that didn't bother me one bit? after all I was not what you would call a sane case myself. Shades: Well, Miss, how can we help you? Boots: He had called me miss...I liked that and that's when I decided to let them take my case. "You see here's the problem some gang of thugs keep raiding my place. I think I need a little protection." Shades: I instantly knew this dame was in trouble as I looked in to her bluish, greenish, brownish eyes I could see that she was troubled but I decided to talk it over with Chaos first. "OK we'll do it!" Chaos: I hated how he had done that? said yes before asking me. That was when I decided to tell him how I felt about the so-called partnership right now! "Sounds great we could use the extra dough!" Boots: I could feel the tension between the two associates but I knew that it was probably just like adding fire to the fuel and I decided they'd be the perfect team. Chaos: That's fuel to the fire? Boots: I could tell that the female was a real smart-ass and that if I had to kill one of them it would be her? Chaos: HEY! *** Shades: We arrived at the dame's house when at noon. We looked around her house and that's when I realized she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. "Hey you know your not the sharpest tool in the shed considering the fact that the Mafia boss's name is spray painted on the walls!" Boots: Oh well, I thought Gates was one of those words the youngins keep making up. Shades: Uhhh, this is a 50's mob episode not some 50's southern hick movie. Boots: Sorry y'all. Chaos: well let's get those bastards! (Jump in Jag, which has been transformed into a Dick Tracy type roadster) *** Gates: I could see the boredom on their faces as I stood above them on the catwalk. They hadn't done anything in hours and now it was time. "Boy's its time!" (The thugs mumble and groan complaining about having to get up) Thug: Bu boyss happie dahys is on! Gates: Damnit Flatass Happy Days wasn't around in the 50's! Flatass: y da Ie hafa name like flahtahss really ie got a bwig ahss. Gates: Shutup flatass I'm just carrying on the Dick Tracy traditon of calling the thugs a name like Nutsac or squishedhead! Flatass: Bu Boyss? Gates: Shutup! (Just then the SCI breaks in) Flatass: Twas at dat moementa dat Ie relized dat gaytes wahss no goo for meh. Gates: I heard that (shoots flatass in the ass who runs off whimpering like a school girl) Gates: Get em boys! (Secret agent man plays) Without much chance the mob runs towards the vicious warriors of the SCI, after some judo chops and kicks the villains go down. Gates: I pondered my next move as my archenemies circled around me like sharks...I suddenly realized what it was?"Help! Help! Someone please HELP! *** Brad: Ally, I figured it out. Remember my cousin in Antarctica? Ally: No. But go on? Brad: Well anyway, he couldn't access the site from there so I sent him the copies via email. So if I can reach him then we could possibly get the premiere and the rest of the episodes back. Ally: Woo hoo! (Brad quickly types up a letter and then sends it to a man called penguinlover4life. As quickly as he sent it an email is in the old Mac (which they are still not sure how it runs email). ) Ally: Look there it is! Ha Ha you've done it! Brad: OK well I guess everyone would want to see this instead so lets open it? (He moves the cursor to the icon and presses open?) *** The lights slowly dim on? A thunderous voice: Last time on Shady Chaos. The crew from the hit series Muffy the Monster Slayer is warped to Los Angeles were they meet the SCI. As well Manya meets up with diabolical scum Bill Gates and they threaten to destroy the world too! Meanwhile Boots and Ember meet up with a mysterious man named Kungfukan who has been a Ronald McDonald Chaser all of his life! The SCI arrives at Gates complex and thwart his plans. But it is Kungfukan who turns against them and sends a laser beam straight to the source the writers! Chaos: Hey look we're back? Shades: What the? Kungfukan: Damn?what?the?hell! Shades: Yo, writers? you there? (Yes it seems your plan malfunctioned, Kungfukan, we weren't killed after all) Kungfukan: What?how?! (You see we are the all powerful writers and we can do or change anything in your word we want so?so when you did this we made it change so that instead of destroying everything it just stopped time. Thus allowing us to write a month's worth of episodes and some time off.) Chaos: That doesn't explain the total annihilation done to the Agrium plant and the deletion of all the files? (Uhhh that we can explain?the destruction was caused by us?after what would a industrial plant be without some explosions and the files deletion was cased while trying to load solitaire we accidentally downloaded the "love bug" virus by mistake.) Shades: Oh well that would explain everything but are you aware that were in a dark room for a WHOLE MONTH and we couldn't MOVE! Signaling to Chaos to get Kungfukan (Well we're deeply sorry about that but you'll have plenty of moving around to do this season) Chaos: OK sounds good? Pushes Kungfukan down. He gets up and bursts for the door the writers though type in a steel cage and it encloses around him. He paces like a tiger. Kungfukan: You?bastards? (I got an idea why don't we get Dr. Shell in here to do some "experiments") Mrs. Doctor Miss Shell appears in a poof of smoke as well as her partner slave Ron? Shell: You rang *cough Ron: Yes?You?Rang nah nah nah. Shell (hits Ron): Who will be the victim this time? Shades: See that man in the cage over there? Shell: Oh this will be fun?Ron get me some coffee! Ron: Yes?Master?Nah Nah Nah?(runs off) Shell: What should I start with hmmmm the nose hairs or the armpit hairs always a toughie?(Ron comes back) Ron: here you are master?nah nah nah?. Shell: It's not for me you dimwit it's for him! BWAHAHAHAHA! Ron: Nah Nah NAH! *** (Suddenly a glitch in the computer shuts down the premiere) Gates: OK, OK?so you'll set me free if I can hit that pop can with this feather? Shades: "Yes" I tried to keep my face serious because I knew he would never hit it. For one, Chaos had a string attached to it in case it came close?and for another, he threw like a girl. (Gates winds up and throws the feather. With his horrible coordination, the feather ends up going behind him. It flutters right towards a fan which pushes it forward, Chaos isn't paying attention however and it lands right in the slot of the can.) Chaos: Damn! Gates: Later, Gators. (Shades trips him on his way out) Shades: With Gates out of the question there was no way of knowing who could have raided The one named Boots place. We searched Gates place and found nothing except illegal weapons of destruction. We paid no attention to that however. Chaos: I really thought this was an open and shut case. Then suddenly, I realized it was one of those ones where you had to jiggle the lock about a hundred times and when that does not work take out the "Old Yeller Killer" and blast 'er open! (Looks around everyone is staring at her) Chaos: Well it is true! (Everyone's eyes look even more suspicious) Shades: Uhh Chaos let us leave shall we? Chaos: Good idea? *** Ally: There's your problem; the gigawat accelerator has disconnected from the argoninite supporter? Brad (Blinks) Ally: Hell, I have no idea what in hell I am talking about, try kicking it! (Brad boots (with his foot) the machine and it goes flying through the window.) Brad: oops? (The sound of the old Mac booting up is heard, the writers run down) Brad: Hey it works! Ally: You are damn lucky it works? *** (Back to the Premiere) The palace of Gingoti is highly guarded?but there is one man that has enough money to find a way in and steal the most deadly weapon in the world the Gingoti spider? A shadowy figure walks upon the Gingoti palace. His shoes are weighted perfectly and his steps are spaced out in even amounts. He finds a certain panel of glass and bends down to drill a small circle in the glass. He quickly checks that he is in the right position so that he does not fall into the palace, as it would easily set off the alarm. Suddenly crack forms from the drilled hole? Man: Oh?shi?. The whole roof collapses. Apparently, the building design from the 1500's did not hold up to the unfortunate luck of the thief he goes with it. The sharp glass breaks his fall however and he leaps up. The alarm sounds and he realizes this is his only chance he looks at the Gingoti spider and smashes the glass around it. Unfortunately for the thief, (again) the security system also includes double-barreled flame-throwers, which quickly immerse him in flames. Man: Oh Son of a bitc? The guards run in but the man is now gone but not far behind him, they can see the smoke trail and they chase after him. They run outside to see the man airlifted out of the area via helicopter. Fortunately for Bill Gates the Pakistani Men do not understand the Windows symbol on the helicopter and they fly off. *** The SCI office where Kungfukan has been turned into a telephone? Boots: I really like our new telephone but it need's something. She walks off later returns with a pink phone Boots: There now you got a friend to chat with. The eyes of Kungfukan (which are now pound and star buttons) roll. Suddenly Kungfukan starts to ring? Boots: Ha look at him he is trying to talk isn't that cute! Shades: No Boots we have a phone call. Chaos picks up the phone Chaos: Hello? (a murmuring sound is heard and Chaos says a couple of OK's, yuh's and uh huh's and then she hangs up the phone) Shades: Who was that? Chaos: Well Shades it seems that the SCI is back on track! *** Inside Gates' new complex in Pakistan? Gates: Well did you get it my loyal subject? Man: Yes?in fact I did. Gates: Give it to me?. Man: Here you are. Gates: Good good, wait a minute? this is an Oh Howie Chocolate candy! Man: Sorry boss, here it is?and by the way, it's Oh Henry? Gates: Silence (booming voice) oops sorry my microphone was on. Man: No problem. Gates: Well good work?Alex Trebek! *** (In the Jaguar, heading towards a West Coast Harbor and the Pakistan-bound ship that awaits.) Boots: Are we there yet? Shades: (Ignoring Boots) So, what the heck is the Gingoti Spider? Chaos: It is one of those generic Apocalyptic weapons of mass destruction. Y'know, like the ones we fight every other month. Shades: You don't know, do you? Boots: Are we there yet? Chaos: (Ignoring Boots) well, no. Tell me again why we couldn't we just take a jet? Shades: (pats steering wheel lovingly) I'm not leaving the Jag behind. Her feelings would be hurt, knowing I am driving some other car somewhere all the way across the Pacific. I just could not do that to her. Chaos: Uhh?sure. (Moves a little further away) Boots: Are we there yet? Shades: Boots, I will let you have the new Pokemon Platinum if you shut up. Boots: Sweet! (Starts playing) Damn you, Metapod! Evolve, for the love of Pikachu! *** (Several weeks later. The SS Pointless is docking at the city of Karachi [Yes, the author actually looked at a map for this. The things she does for continuity?]. Shades, Chaos, and a faintly greenish Boots drive off the ship in the Jag.) Shades: So, where's our contact? Boots: Just wait, I will ask a local. (She whips out a phrase book and turns to a passerby) Where does the three o'clock train stop? (The man, obviously confused, stares at her. They are nowhere near a train station.) Boots: I am allergic to shellfish. Shopkeeper, how much for that parasol? (The local backs away slowly. A well-dressed bespectacled young man approaches the Jag.) Boots: (to arrival) Please give this bottle of whiskey to the man in the judge's wig sitting by my aunt. Man: (to Shades and Chaos, in English) What's wrong with her? Shades: That is what we would ALL like to know. You the one from Gingoti? Man: Depends. You the people from Los Angeles? Shades: Depends. Did you call us here? Man: Depends. Did you come because of a call? Shades: Depends. Are you waiting for someone who came because of a call? Man: Depends. Are you? Chaos: Argh! Enough! Did you want to get the bloody spider back or not? Man: Depends. Do?(Chaos twitches) Sorry. I am Ahmed Bhukal. The Palace of Gingoti is not far. *** (At the Palace of Gingoti. Well, what is left of the palace. It is a big heap of rubble now.) Shades: So?you brought us on a five-hour road trip to see this? Chaos: I thought you said Gingoti was not far. Bhukal: Have you ever heard the phrase "longer than a Pakistani mile?" Shades & Chaos: No. Bhukal: Oh. Well, yeah, this is it. What do you think? Chaos: I think it is a pile of? Shades: (elbows Chaos) Just what did you expect us to do with this? Bhukal: I do not know! Your American television shows always have the heroes solving problems with minimal evidence and leaps of faith. We are sort of at the end of our rope here. Shades: Obviously. You called *us, after all. Chaos: Why are we always the last resort? (Boots spots something glinting in the mountain of broken stone and wood. She walks over with that "ooh, shiny" look in her eye.) Shades: Oh man?uh, let's just start looking for evidence, 'kay? Boots, stay away from that! There might be rusty nails in there! (Boots has found several large shards of glass in the rubble. One of them has a corner stained with a reddish-brown substance. Shades strolls over to investigate.) Shades: Hey that looks like blood! Chaos, c'mere and identify this. (Chaos joins them. She sniffs the blood, then touches her finger to the smear and tastes it.) Chaos: Human. Male. Early- to mid-fifties. Shades: I do believe we have our evidence. We do not have access to a DNA analyzer, do we? Chaos: Nope. I think we sold it at a garage sale. Shades: Well, there's only one thing to do, then? *** (The story switches off.) Brad: Hey! What'd you do that for? We finally got it to work. Ally: Sorry, but I wanted to see how that old episode ended. It looked interesting? Brad: Fine, but if anyone complains I'm telling them it's your fault. *** Shades voice-over: The night was black, lit only by street lamps that cast the sort of shadows underworld scum love to lurk in. However, I have been so far down the underworld that I came out backwards, and sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is just an oncoming train. I still had too many unanswered questions. How did Gates manage to walk? How did a protection job turn into a showdown? What had Boots wanted us to do, anyhow? Why are potato chip bags only half full? If a tree falls in the forest and no one cares, do environmentalists still protest on general principles? I knew there was only one being who might help me with these questions?unfortunately, Magic 8-Balls hadn't been invented yet. Therefore, I went for the next best thing, and I knew just where to find her. (He enters a dim bar. A band of big-eyed pale creatures are playing the Cantina Song in the corner. Aliens are jabbering to each other loudly. Shades seems lost in thought.) Shades: I was getting the feeling that I was in the wrong bar. Maybe it was the atmosphere, maybe it was the barkeep's sour looks, or maybe it was the old guy slicing off body parts with a glowing blue laser. Nevertheless, I knew the broad I was looking for was not here, so I exited and crossed the street to another bar. (This one is more normal. Some guy is sitting at a piano playing 'Popcorn' until another patron hits him. The pianist coughs in embarrassment and switches to 30s-type music.) Shades: There she was, sitting at the counter. The dame who calls herself Chiquita?ehem Boots?she had been avoiding me, but I had her cornered now and there was no way- (Boots looks up the moment Shades begins talking. She slips out.) Shades: I cursed whoever had tipped her off. She had escaped again, but I promised myself I would find out how she knew I was there- Chaos: Maybe you shouldn't talk to yourself when you're trying to sneak up on someone. Shades: I looked at my partner, who had been sitting nearby unnoticed. She was watching- Chaos: Stop that. Shades: Sorry. Chaos: You want to know the same things I want to know?what went wrong? What on earth possessed us to attack a Mafia boss at his headquarters with no backup or plan whatsoever? Why haven't we been in the story for twelve pages? Shades: The dame was right on the nose. My curiosity and my trigger finger were both itching to- Chaos: I said stop it. Look, Shades, there are some things that man just wasn't meant to know! When we have managed to explain how and why and when everything works, the world just loses hope! The problems of three little people do not amount to a hill of beans in this crazy mixed-up world of ours. Shades: The skirt was dead center. I'd forgotten that the allure of enchantment lies in the mystery of pursuit and- Chaos: Did you just call me a skirt? Shades: Never mind. I am not quite sure what I just said, myself. (To pianist) Play it again, Sam. Play it one last time, for all of us. next http://www.maxpages.com/scip2 |
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