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WRESTLING MAD
Tell tale signs if you are 'Wrestling Mad'
Takes you over a minute to climb a ladder to change a light bulb
When at a zoo you feel the need to climb the cages
You never dive into a swimming pool you always do a frog splash
You never take a T-Shirt off over your head you always tear it down the middle
If you get into a fight you tell your enemy what you are going to do next
You have a small blade underneath your watch strap
You wear elbow and knee pads under your clothes
When you enter a restaurant you always shout "Get the tables"
You shave off all your body hair except off your back
You pause when you are talking to wait for some crowd reaction
At a firework display you shout "Bang! It's me it's me it's DDP" in time with each explosion
You have a tattoo
You insist your dentist removes some of your front teeth
You quite often have a plaster on your fore head
You think everyone is your brother
You replace your garden fence with ring ropes
If you pick up a fire extinguisher you are more concerned with setting it off in someone's face than putting out a fire
You can't help hitting some one with a deck chair before you open it up
You can't stop using wrestlers catch phrases every hour of every day of every week
You have a movement sensitive spot light that comes on you when you enter the room
When watching rugby you shout out "Gore!" when someone makes a tackle
You do a spin-a-roonie when you get a little excited
You feel ill if you hear the words "Wildlife Fund"
If some one asks you the time you reply "Time to play the game"
WWE STAR WARS
THE WWE's VERSION OF THE STAR WARS MOVIE!!
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away...
A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title. The awesome yellow planet of Tatooine emerges from a total eclipse. A Rebel Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. It is pursued by a giant Imperial Star destroyer.
An explosion on both sides rocks the ship behind the two robots as struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway.
THREEPIO: Did you hear that, sucka? They've shut down the main reactor. Tell me they just didn't do that! We'll be destroyed for sure.
Rebel troopers rush past the robots and take up positions in the main passageway. The smaller Rebel ship is being drawn into the underside dock of the giant Imperial starship. Suddenly a tremendous blast opens up a hole in the main passageway and a score of fearsome armored space suited storm troopers make their way into the smoke-filled corridor. In a few minutes the entire passageway is ablaze with laser fire.
THREEPIO: I should have known better than to trust the logic of a half-sized thermocapsulary dehousing assister...
Artoo counters with an angry rebuttal as the battle rages around the two hapless robots.
Darth Vader marches with a swagger down the main passageway, being escorted by his body guards.
THREEPIO: Artoo-Detoo, where are you?
A familiar clanking sound attacks Threepio's attention and he spots Artoo at the end of the hallway.
THREEPIO: Where have you been sucka?
Stormtroopers can be heard battling in the distance.
THREEPIO: Where are you going?
Artoo responds with electronic beeps.
Darth Vader grabs a wounded Rebel Officer by the neck.
IMPERIAL OFFICER: Oh testify! The Death Star plans are not in the main computer brother Lord Vader.
VADER: God dammit! Where are those transmissions you intercepted?
Vader lifts the Rebel off his feet by his throat.
VADER: What have you done with those plans?
REBEL OFFICER: What? We intercepted no transmissions. What! Aaah....This is a consular ship. What? Were on a 3:16 diplomatic mission and that's the bottom line.
VADER: If this is a consular ship...were is the Ambassador?
The Rebel refuses to speak puts his wrist to his ear for a few seconds and then gives him a double single finger salute. Vader begins to squeeze the officer's throat choking until the soldier goes limp.
VADER: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans dammit and bring me the Ambassador. I want her alive!
Artoo goes into an emergency lifepod.
THREEPIO: Hey sucka, you're not permitted in there. It's restricted.
Artoo beeps something to him.
THREEPIO: Tell me you just didn't say that!
Artoo whistles something regarding the mission he is about to perform.
THREEPIO: Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there, sucka!
A new explosion behind Threepion makes him hop on one leg. That explosion persuades Threepio to enter the pod.
THREEPIO: I'm going to regret this. That's funny, the damage doesn't look as bad from out here now you can you dig that sucka!
Princess Leia is led to Darth Vader
LEIA: Lord Vader, I should have known. Only you could be so bold. The Imperial Senate will not sit for this 100% stratusfaction guaranteed, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic...
VADER: SHUT UP! I'm a certified billionaire! Don't play games with me, Your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.
LEIA: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan...
VADER: You're a part of the Rebel Alliance...and a traitor. Take her away!
COMMANDER: Holding her is dangerous. If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the Rebellion in the senate right here in Tatooine. (Cheap pop)
VADER: I have traced the Rebel spies to her. Now she is my only link to find their secret base and i guarendamntee i will find it!
COMMANDER: She'll die before she tells you anything. Have a nice day.
VADER: Leave that to me. Send a distress signal and then inform the senate that all aboard were killed!
SECOND OFFICER: Lord Vader, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship! And no transmissions were made. It's true it's damn true. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard.
VADER: God dammit! She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment down to retrieve them.
COMMANDER: Yes, sir. Bang, Bang!
The lifepod lands in the Tatooine desert
THREEPIO: How did I get into this mess sucka?
Artoo answers with beeping sounds and starts off in the direction of the rocky desert
THREEPIO: Where are you going sucka?
Artoo answers with beeping sounds.
THREEPIO: Tell me you just didn't just say that! What mission? What are you talking about? I've had just about enough of you! Go that way!
Threepio gives the robot a kick to the back of the robot and starts off in the direction of the dune sea.
Threepio looks back in the direction of the now distant rock mesas.
THREEPIO: That malfunctioning little sucka. This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better. Wait, what's that? A transport! I'm saved! Over here! Help! Please, help!
Threepio drops to his knee and looks at his shaking hand.
The unsuspecting robot is hit by a powerful magnetic ray and falls back.
Jawas carry him off into a Sandcrawler.
Artoo enters the room.
THREEPIO: Artoo-Detoo! It's you sucka!
A Jawa starts moving toward them and line up their battered captives in front of the Sandcrawler.
Owen Lars and Luke Skywalker appear.
OWEN: I have no need for a protocol droid, brotha.
THREEPIO: Sucka -- not in an environment such as this --that's why I've also been programmed for over thirty secondary functions that...
OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators who drinks milk, takes vitamins and says it's prayers.
THREEPIO: Vaporators! Sucka -- My first job was programming binary load lifter...very similar to your vaporators. I'm a five time World Communication Wireless champion. Can you dig that sucka?
OWEN: Do you speak Bocce, brotha?
THREEPIO: Of course I can, sucka. It's like a second language for me...I'm as fluent in Bocce...
OWEN: All right shut up! I'll take this one.
THREEPIO: Shutting up, sucka.
Threepio drops to his knee and spins on his back.
OWEN: Luke, take these two over to the garage, will you? I want you to have both of them cleaned up before dinner, brotha.
LUKE: But I was going into Toshi Station at the end of Know your Role Boulevard to pick up some power converters and get some pie.
OWEN: Watcha ya gonna do?
LUKE: All right, come on jabroni! And the red one, come on before I turn this son bitch spanner sideways and shove it straight up your candy ass.
Luke and the two robots start off for the garage when a plate pops off the head
of the red astro-droid's head plate and it sparks wildly.
LUKE: Luke says this R2 unit has a bad motivator. Look!
Owen turns around and motions with his hand in a circular direction near his ear.
OWEN: Hey, what're you trying to push on us, brotha? What'cha gonna do when the largest arms in the universe run wild on you?
Owen tears of his shirt and flexes his muscles. He walks over to the broken droid and knocks it over with a boot and then drops a leg on it.
Threepio taps Luke on the shoulder.
THREEPIO: Excuse me, sucka, but that R2 unit is in prime condition. A real bargain.
LUKE: What about that jabroni?
OWEN: We'll take that one, brotha.
THREEPIO: Uh, I'm quite sure you'll be very pleased with that one, sucka. He really is in first-class condition. I've worked with him before he is called.......
LUKE: It doesn't matter what his name is!
THREEPIO: (to Artoo) Now, don't you forget this sucka! Why I should stick my neck out for you is quite beyond my capacity!
LUKE: Well, my little jabroni you've got something jammed in here real good.
The fragment breaks loose, sending Luke tumbling head over heels. He sits up and sees a three-dimensional hologram of Leia Organa in bra and panties, being projected from the face of Artoo.
LEIA: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope 100% satisfaction guaranteed.
LUKE: What in the blue hell is that?
THREEPIO: Oh, he says it's nothing, sucka. Merely a malfunction. Old data. Pay it no mind. I think she was a passenger on our last voyage. A person of some importance, sucka -- I believe. Now can you dig that sucka.
LUKE: Is there more to this recording? I need some pie. (Raising his eyebrow)
Artoo whistles and beeps a long message to Threepio.
THREEPIO: He says he's the property of Obi-Wan Kenobi. And it's a private message for him. Quite frankly, sucka I don't know what he's talking about.
LUKE: I wonder if he means old Ben Kenobi?
THREEPIO: I beg your pardon, sucka, but do you know what he's talking about?
LUKE: Well, I don't know anyone named Obi-Wan, but old Ben lives at he end of Jabroni Drive.
AUNT BERU: Luke? Luke! Come to dinner!
LUKE: All right, I'll be right there, Aunt Beru. (Points his nose upwards) If ya smell la la la la what Aunt Beru is cooking!
DINING AREA
LUKE: You know, I think that R2 unit we bought might have been stolen.
OWEN: What makes you think that, brotha?
Owen drinks milk in between playing his air guitar.
LUKE: Well, I stumbled across a recording while I was cleaning him. He says he belongs to someone called Obi-Wan Kenobi.
OWEN: That old man's just a crazy old legend, brotha.
LUKE: But what if this Obi-Wan comes looking for him?
OWEN: He won't, I don't think he exists any more. He died about the same time as your father, brotha.
LUKE: He knew my father?
OWEN: I told you to forget it. Now drink your milk, take your vitamins and say your prays.
LUKE: Yes, sir.
Luke leaves.
GARAGE
LUKE: What in the blue hell are you doing hiding there?
THREEPIO: It wasn't my fault, sucka. Please don't deactivate me. I told him not to go, but he's faulty, malfunctioning; kept babbling on about his mission.
LUKE: Oh, no!
EXTERIOR
LUKE: How could I be so stupid? He's nowhere in sight.
THREEPIO: Pardon me, sucka, but couldn't we go after him?
LUKE: It's too dangerous with all the Sandpeople around. We'll have to wait until morning.
MORNING
LUKE: Old Ben Kenobi lives out in this direction at end of Jabroni Drive, but I don't see how that R2 unit could have come this far. We must have missed him. Wait, there's something dead ahead on the scanner. It looks like our droid.
Luke stands before Artoo.
LUKE: Hey, jabroni, just where do you think you're going?
The little droid whistles a feeble reply.
LUKE: It doesn't matter where you were going! Well, come on. It's getting late. I only hope we can get back before Uncle Owen really hulks up.
Suddenly the little robot jumps to life with a mass of frantic whistles and screams.
LUKE: What in the blue hell is wrong with him now?
THREEPIO: Oh tell me he just didn't say that! He says there are several creatures approaching.
LUKE: Sandpeople! Or worst! Come on, let's have a look. Come on. They're Sandpeople all right. I can see one of them now.
Sandpeople attack Luke from behind.
A great howling woooooooooo is heard echoing throughout the canyon which sends the Sandpeople fleeing in terror. The robed figure runs towards one side of the canyon and then towards the other side and then drops to the floor landing on his back. Artoo moves even tighter into the shadows.
BEN: Hello there! Come here my little friend. Don't be afraid. Wooooooooo!
Artoo waddles over to where Luke lies.
BEN: Don't worry, he'll be all right.
LUKE: Ben Kenobi! Boy, am I glad to see you! This droid is searching for his former master...I've never seen such devotion in a jabroni droid before. He claims to be the property of an Obi-Wan Kenobi. Is he a relative of yours?
BEN: Obi-Wan Kenobi. Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Woooooooo!
LUKE: I think my uncle knew him. He said he was dead.
BEN: Oh, he's not dead, not yet. Wooooooooooooo!
LUKE: You know him!
BEN: Well of course I know him. He's me! Wooooooooooo! I think we better get indoors. The Sandpeople are easily startled but they will soon be back and in greater numbers. Woooooooo!
LUKE: Ben you fought in the Clone Wars?
BEN: Yes, I am a 16 time Jedi Knight the same as your father. He was a good friend. Which reminds me I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough. He feared you might follow old Obi-Wan on some damned-fool idealistic crusade like your father did. Wooooooooooooo!
Ben hands Luke the saber.
LUKE: What is it?
BEN: Your fathers lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Wooooooooo.
LUKE: How did my father die?
BEN: A Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned heel, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Jedi are all but extinct.
Artoo makes beeping sounds.
BEN: Now, let's see if we can't figure out what you are, my little friend. And where you come from.
The recorded image of the beautiful young Rebel princess is projected from Artoo's face.
LEIA: General Kenobi, you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.
Leia leans forward to reveal more of her chest and blows a kiss.
BEN: You must learn the ways of the Force if you're to come with me to Alderaan.
LUKE: I'm not going to Alderaan. I've got to go home.
BEN: I need your help, Luke. She needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. Woooooooooooo!
LUKE: I can't get involved! I've got work to do! I'm the people's champ.
BEN: Learn about the Force, Luke.
LUKE: Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead.
DEATH STAR
Eight Imperial senators and generals sit around a conference table.
TAGGE: Until this battle station is fully operational we are vulnerable. The Rebel Alliance is too well equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize. This is no game, we're not that damn good. The game could be over.
The Dark Lord stands behind him.
TARKIN: Dude the Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently. Everything is cool when you're Tar- K- In. (TARKIN does a double thumb pose above his shoulders)
TAGGE: That's impossible! How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy?
Tagge stands up and spits his drink above him and bangs a hammer on the table.
TARKIN: Dude the cool regional governors now have direct control over territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line.
TAGGE: And what of the Rebellion faces? If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical readout of this station that they might find a weakness and exploit it. Then it will be time to play the game.
VADER: I guarendamntee the plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force of a certified billionaire.
MOTTI: Don't try to frighten us with your bank balance, Lord Vader.
Suddenly Motti chokes and starts to turn blue under Vader's spell.
VADER: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
TARKIN: Enough of this! Vader, release him! Relax, be cool.
VADER: As you wish.
Luke and Ben find dead jawas next to a sandcrawler.
LUKE: It looks like Sandpeople did this, all right.
BEN: They didn't. But we are meant to think they did. These blast points, too accurate for Sandpeople. Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.
LUKE: I want to come with you to Alderaan.
BEN: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious. Wooooooooo!
TROOPER: How long have you had these droids? Let me see your identification.
BEN: You don't need to see his identification.
TROOPER: We don't need to see his identification. Whassup wit dat.
BEN: He can go about his business.
TROOPER: You can go about your business. Stand back there's visitors coming through.
BEN: This is Chewbacca. He's first-mate on a ship that might suit our
needs. Woooooooooooo!
HAN: Han Solo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon and goodwill ambassador. Chewie here tells me you're looking for a pleasant passage to the ghastly Alderaan system.
BEN: Yes. If it's a fast ship.
HAN: Now you have besmirched me. Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? What's the cargo?
BEN: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked.
HAN: It's going to cost you something extra. Ten thousand in advance and no malarkey.
BEN: We haven't that much with us. But we could pay you two thousand now, plus fifteen when we reach Alderaan.
HAN: Seventeen, huh! Jolly good. We'll leave as soon as you're ready.
As Han is about to leave, Greedo pokes a gun in his side.
GREEDO: Bang! It's me it's me it's Greedo. Going somewhere, Solo?
HAN: Yes, Greedo. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Jabba that I've got his money.
GREEDO: It's too late. You should have paid him when you had the chance. Jabba's put a price on your head, so large that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you. I'm lucky I found you first and that's not a bad thing. That's a good thing (smiling).
HAN: Yeah, but this time I got the money.
GREEDO: If you give it to me, I might forget I found you.
HAN: I don't have it with me. Tell Jabba...
GREEDO: Jabba's through with you. He has no time for smugglers who drop their shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser.
HAN: Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice?
GREEDO: You can tell that to Jabba. He may only take your ship.
HAN: Over my dead body.
(CONTINUED NEXT PAGE) |
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