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GREEDO: That's the idea. I've been looking forward to killing you for a long time. Self high five. (Greedo stands up and makes a diamond shape with his hands).
HAN: Yes, I'll bet you have.
Han hits Greedo with a set of brass knucks and kills him on the spot.
HAN: What a buffoon. Sorry about the mess.
They board the Millennium Falcon with Han wiping his feet before entering and waving to the onlookers in the bay.
TROOPER: Stop that ship! Blast 'em! Stand back there's troopers coming through.
HAN: Chewie, get us out of here!
The ship shudders as an explosion flashes outside the window.
HAN: Here's where the merry old time begins!
BEN: How long before you can make the jump to light speed? Wooooooooo!
HAN: It'll take a few moments.
The Millennium Falcon zooms into infinity in less than a second.
HAN: Stand by, Chewie, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines. What the...? Aw, we've come out of hyperspace into a meteor shower. Some kind of asteroid collision. It's not on any of the charts. Our position is correct, except...no, Alderaan!
LUKE: What do you mean? Where is it?
HAN: That's what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't there. It's been totally blown away.
BEN: Destroyed...by the Empire!
A Imperial TIE fighter races past the cockpit window.
LUKE: Look jabroni. He's headed for that small moon.
BEN: That's no moon! It's a space station. Full reverse! Chewie, lock in the auxiliary power.
HAN: We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in!
The helpless Millennium Falcon is pulled past a docking port control room and huge laser turret cannons.
OFFICER: (to Vader) There's no one on board, essa. According to the
log, the crew abandoned ship right after takeoff and no mamacita's on board. It must be a decoy, essa. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned with Latino heat.
Floor panels suddenly pop up revealing Han Solo, Luke and Ben Kenobi.
TROOPER: The ship's all yours. If the scanners pick up anything, report it immediately. All right, let's go. Stand back were coming through.
The crewmen enter the pirate ship and a loud crashing sound is followed by a voice calling to the guard below.
HAN: Hey down there, could you give us a hand with this?
The stormtroopers enter the ship and a quick round of gunfire is heard.
As the officer approaches the door, it slides open revealing the towering Chewbacca. Chewie grabs him around the neck and slams him to the ground.
Ben struts away to make a power loss to allow the ship to leave.
Suddenly Artoo begins to whistle and beep a blue streak.
LUKE: What is it Jabroni?
THREEPIO: I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sucka. He says he found Princess Leia.
LUKE: PIE! We've got to help her.
HAN: I'm not going anywhere.
LUKE: She's rich.
Chewbacca tilts his head to the side and growls.
HAN: Jolly good. All right, kid. But you'd better be right about this.
Luke and Han in there Storm Troopers outfits put electronic cuffs on Chewie.
OFFICER: Where are you taking this...evil thing? Indeed!
LUKE: Prisoner transfer from Block one-one-three-eight, jabroni.
OFFICER: I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it. Indeed.
Suddenly Chewbacca throws up his hands and brings them down again as explosions rise up from four corners of the operation area killing all the guards.
Luke stops in front of one of the cell doors and does a crossing motion with arms and then smashes open the door with his elbow.
LUKE: I'm here to rescue you. I've got your R2 unit. I'm here with Ben Kenobi.
LEIA: Ben Kenobi is here! Where is he?
A series of explosions knock a hole in the elevator door through which several Imperial troops begin to emerge.
Han and Chewie fire laser pistols at them through the smoke and flame. They turn and run down the cell hallway, meeting up with Luke and Leia rushing toward them.
LUKE: See-Threepio! See-Threepio!
THREEPIO: (over comlink) Yes sucka?
LUKE: We've been cut off! Are there any other ways out of the cell bay?
THREEPIO: Tell me he just didn't say that! All systems have been alerted to your presence, sucka. The main entrance seems to be the only way in or out.
Leia grabs a dead stormtrooper around the head and kicks of the wall and drives his head through a small grate in the wall next to Han.
HAN: What the bloody hell are you doing you buxom wench?
LEIA: Somebody has to save our skins. Into the garbage chute, wise guy.
They all jump through the narrow opening.
HAN: (sarcastically) Oh! The garbage chute was a really smashing idea. What an horrific smell you've discovered! Let's get out of here!
Han was a look on his face as if he is about to be sick.
Han gets his brass knucks and punches at the escape hatch.
Before anyone can say anything the walls begin to rumble and edge toward the Rebels.
LUKE: Threepio! Come in Threepio! Threepio! Jabroni where could he be?
As the walls rumble closed, the room gets smaller and smaller.
THREEPIO: Are you there, sucka?
LUKE: (over comlink) Jabroni know your role and shut your mouth and listen to me? Shut down all garbage mashers on the detention level, will you?
THREEPIO: (to Artoo) No. Shut them all down! Hurry!
LUKE: (over comlink) Threepio, we're all right!
THREEPIO: Can you dig that sucka!
Threepio drops to his knee and spins on his back.
They climb out of garbage area and follow Leia down the corridor.
Ben turns of the deflector shields.
HAN: (looking at his ship) Smashing there she is.
They round a corner and run right into twenty Imperial storm troopers.
FIRST TROOPER: It's them! Blast them!
Han draws his laser pistol and charges the troops, firing.
HAN: (to Luke and Leia) Enough of this malarkey get back to the ship!
LUKE: Where are you going? Come back!
Han has already rounded a corner and does not hear.
Luke and Leia start off toward the starship hangar.
Han chases the storm troopers, but they reach a dead end and are forced to turn and fight and chase Han.
Luke and Leia race through the hatch onto a narrow bridge that spans a huge, deep shaft that seems to go into infinity. The bridge has been retracted into the wall of the shaft, and Luke almost rushes into the abyss. He loses his balance off the end of the bridge as Leia, behind him, takes hold of his arm and pulls him back.
LUKE: (gasping) I think we took a wrong turn.
Blasts from the storm troopers' laser guns explode nearby, but Leia reaches over and hits a switch that shuts the door.
LEIA: Quick, we've got to get across. Find the control that extends
the bridge.
LUKE: Oh, I think I just blasted it.
Luke pulls a thin nylon cable from his trooper utility belt with a hook on it. Luke tosses the rope across the gorge and it wraps itself around an outcropping of pipes. Grabs the princess in his arms and Leia then kisses him quickly on the lips. Luke is very surprised.
LEIA: For luck!
LUKE: Struddle for Leia?
Luke pushes off and they swing across to the corresponding hatchway on the opposite side.
Chants of Lukey, Lukey, Lukey echo around.
Han and Chewbacca run down a long corridor with several troopers hot on their trail.
TROOPER: Close the blast doors! Stand back they're coming through.
Han and Chewbacca race past the huge doors just as they are closing.
TROOPER: Whassup wit dat! Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors!
Ben hurries along one of the tunnels leading to the hangar. Just before he reaches the hangar, Darth Vader steps into view at the end of the tunnel. Vader lights his saber. Ben also ignites his and struts slowly forward.
VADER: I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. When I left you, I was a millionaire but now I am a billionaire.
Vader and Ben go face to mask and bad mouth each other. A bell sounds and they step back and walk around in a circle not taking there eyes off each other. Ben and Vader soon exchange blows with the light sabers.
Following is heard during the battle " Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan! The Jedi Knight! Obi-Wan! What will happen next? "
VADER: Your powers are weak, old man.
Ben sees that Luke is watching.
BEN: To be the man you have to beat the man. Wooooooooooo!
Vader low blow kicks Ben and then drives the light saber into him.
Following is heard "No low blow! Vader has won. Ben got screwed. I don't believe this. What will be the repercussions of this?"
Vader puts on Ben's robe and struts around celebrating.
The Millennium Falcon powers away with Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the two droids on board.
TIE fighters races past the Falcon, firing laser beams as it passes.
LUKE: Just bring it! Lets layeth the smacketh on all there candy asses. If ya smell la la la what Luke is cooking!
Luke follows the TIE fighters across his field of view, firing laser beams from his cannon destroying them all one by one.
Millennium Falcon flies to the Rebel base.
REBEL WAR ROOM BRIEFING AREA
DODONNA: The battle station reeks of awesomeness and is heavily shielded and carries a firepower greater than half the star fleet. A small one-man fighter should be able to penetrate the outer defence.
GOLD LEADER: Pardon me for asking, sir, but if i can be serious for a minute what good are snub fighters going to be against that?
DODONNA: The Empire doesn't consider a small one-man fighter to be any threat to it's era of awesomeness, or they'd have a tighter defence. You are required to fly straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point and hits the target area. Man your ships! And let our era of awesomeness begin.
The group of X-wing fighters move in formation towards the Death Star.
Four Imperial TIE ships dive on the Rebel fighters.
Darth Vader strides purposefully down a Death Star corridor to his personnel top of the range designer space craft. Vader and his wingmen zoom down the trench.
Vader takes out several of the Rebel crafts with his laser canon.
WEDGE: (over speaker) I'm hit! I can't stay with you. What about me? What about Wedge?
Wedge ships explodes.
Luke's ship charges down the trench.
BEN'S VOICE: Use the Force, Luke. Woooooooooooooo!
Vader follows Luke's X-wing down the trench.
The Millennium Falcon heads right at the two TIE fighters.
Vader's wingman panics at the sight of the oncoming Falcon and veers to one side, colliding with Vader's TIE fighter in the process. Vader's wingman crashes
into the side wall of the trench and explodes. Vader's damaged ship spins out of the trench with a damaged wing.
BEN'S VOICE: Hit your finisher Luke! Woooooooo!
Luke fires his laser torpedoes at the rock bottom of the main reactor.
The Death Star bursts into a supernova, creating a spectacular heavenly display.
Luke flies back to the Rebel base.
LUKE: Finally Luke has come back to the Rebel base!
Leia throws her arms around Luke and hugs him as they dance around in a circle. Han starts dancing a merry old jig with them.
Luke looks toward his ship.
LUKE: Oh, no!
The fried little Artoo-Detoo is lifted off the back of the fighter and carried off under the worried eyes of Threepio.
THREEPIO: Oh, my! Artoo! Can you hear me, sucka? Say something! You must repair him! Sucka, if any of my circuits or gears will help, I'll gladly donate them.
TECHNICIAN: We'll get to work on him right away. Get the tables!
LUKE: He'll be all right.
Luke, Han, and Chewbacca enter the huge ruins of the main temple. Troops are lined up in neat rows. Luke and the others solemnly march up the long aisle and kneel before Senator Leia. A shined-up and fully repaired Artoo-Detoo goes next to Threepio. Leia places a gold belt around Han's and then Luke's waist. They turn and face the assembled troops, who all bow before them. Luke goes to the corner of the platform and puts up his arm and looks at the onlookers while Han waves calmly. Chewbacca growls and Artoo beeps with happiness.
THE END
Cast
Luke Skywalker - Rock
Han Solo - William Regal
Princess Leia - Trish
Grand Moff Tarkin - Rob Van Dam
Ben (Obi-Wan) Kenobi - Ric Flair
See-Threepio (C-3PO) - Booker T
Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2) - Tazz
Chewbacca - Kane
Lord Darth Vader - Vince McMahon
Uncle Owen - Hulk Hogan
General Dodonna - Edge
Wedge - Raven
Gold Leader - Lance Storm
General Taggi - Triple H
Commander One - Mick Foley
Imperial Officer - Reverend Dvon
Rebel Officer - Steve Austin
Second Officer - Kurt Angle
Greedo - DDP
Trooper -Hurricane
Officer - Taka Michinoku, Eddie Guerrero
Technician Buh Buh Dudley
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